My dog is a retard
My dog is a retard. Now, I know you're all sitting there reading this saying, "yeah, but ALL dogs are retards. This blog sucks. She writes stuff we already know." But wait. What they say about dogs having pea-sized brains doesn't do my dog justice. He has a brain the size of a sand granule. That's been split into thirds. And put into a shrinky-dink oven. And then vacuum packed.
He's that dumb.
Why do I say that? Well, to start, when he gets excited, he scoots his dingleberried-ass across the floor. Yeah, I know. The same floor we eat off of.
I don't always notice that he's doing it until I turn to find the floors have been air brushed with a line of skidmark. I'll be talking to our other dog in that high-pitched pooch-speak and I'll look over to find BoeDee overcome with excitement and taking an rectal-spin across the Travertine.
I don't blame him for being excited. Sometimes I get all juiced up, too. And I can hardly contain myself. But... you don't find me in my birthday suit doing the electric slide -- bottom's down -- across my Pergo. I have, well...manners. Do dogs feel shame? I mean, if they can smear brown pixie dust all over my wool rugs without any semblance of remorse, I'd hate to see what type of activity would cause them to feel humiliation. I'm pretty sure said activity would get me put in the 6 o clock news under the category of "Squalid Living Conditions."
This isn't the only thing that has caused BoeDee to earn his Special Needs status. He also prefers to eat cat poop over the Chicken N Rice dog food that sits in his bowl and collects ants. "Shit or food? Shit or food? These decisions are sooooo difficult. It all looks so good. But I'm gonna go with the shit this time."
Retarded dog.
I always wonder what the kidneys are thinking when they are presented with a literal load of shit. The kidneys are like the Salvation Army of the internal organs -- they take in a donation and decide what's good and what's to be tossed out. Given cat waste has already gone through this process, I'm guessing the kidneys become totally confused. I picture the kidneys sorting through all this saying, "there must be something good in all this mess."
When the kidneys finally render the load a complete crock of shit, they toss it out. More often than not in my living room. On the rug. Next to the doo-doo demarcation.
posted by Vicki Stockton @ 9:49 PM
8 Comments:
Oh Vicki..thank you for the laugh..visualizing the rectal scoot! I used to laugh when my dogs did that until the vet told me that they needed their anal gland squeezed and that I could do that myself? Huh? Stick my fingers up my dogs' asses and squeeze what?? No thanks...it is WELL worth the money I pay the vet to do it. Puppy proctologist I ain't!
I can't even write.
I am laughing so damn hard.
You have to be a dog person to fully appreciate this.
Rectal scooting is often a sign of impacted anal glands (see kimmy above) or worms. Either way, see the vet, neither are fun.
I also have a theory that litter boxes are irresistable doggie buffets. All you can eat cat turds for the taking. Don't know why, but it is a doggie delight.
TV
I was gonna say the anal glands thing but I've been beaten. Dang...
But I will say this - MY dogs aren't retarded. No way. MY dogs are smart. Neiner neiner neiner : P
Except...they will eat rabbit shit. But not INSTEAD of food. Thats more like a dessert for mine.
Kimmy -- squeezing anal glands? I think I'd rather have a root canal.
Thomas -- Worms, too? What the hell have I opened myself up to here? An eight thousand dollar vet bill for one!
Itchy -- You know, I hear people talk about smart dogs but I honestly have NEVER had one. NEVER. And I've had so many dogs in my lifetime. One chased shadows. One thought squeeky chairs were "varmits" and one barked at airplanes. So, I stick with my original opinion: dogs are retarded.
I don't like dogs.
i think your dog is smart and considerate to you. he knows it's more efficient for you to just have to clean up his one big dump of dumps that his normal dump plus the cat's small dumps. perhaps you can rent out your dog as a litter box cleaning service to other cat owners that don't feel like scooping their boxes.
I like the blog.Bodee is pretty stupid.Like he ate that bird today.Gross
Dogs are smarter than they get credit for. People look at dogs and the weird things they do and think, "What a stupid/disgusting animal". The interesting thing is that they see us the same way. They are different animals, they think differently, they have different instincts. People humanize them way too much and expect them to act like model citizens, and if they don't, they're considered bad dogs.
Look at it from their view, you're in a strange world that is nothing like the one you were designed for, you have no idea what to do in any situation because you haven't been taught about anything at all, you have no idea what's going on, all you know is that you get yelled at for doing what seems to you like a perfectly harmless act. All this and they still adapt and learn when trained properly. That's intelligence right there. There's no such thing as a bad dog, only a bad owner.
On a good note, my laughing constricted my breathing when i read this.
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